The second when the plane started shaking as it accelerated on the track, I held my breath. I knew it’s probably gonna be a while till the next time I go back to China. I’ve heard many people say that studying abroad in the U.S. is a life changing experience. I doubted it.
That was back in 2018. I came to the U.S. without any life goal or a so-called “American dream”. I simply did not see myself wasting my life away under the suffocating system that I belonged to. Besides that, aren’t our lives too short to spend away in one place? How are we even supposed to seek the meaning of life by repeating the same things that we’re told to do everyday? Till then, I knew it was time to break the cycle.
When people ask how my life was back home, I told them I spent most of my life in a factory, and I did not know what’s going on outside. I loved staring out of that tiny window during classes because it had everything I once dreamed of. Days were long, but the years were short. I couldn’t really tell how different I looked over those years since I was always in that same black and white uniform with a red scarf around my neck. Difference was never tolerated. The words from their mouths burnt down the merely existing forest of our spiritual worlds, and they wanted more! They wanted to turn everyone into the machines that one day serve for society, the machines that are filled with crushed spirits, broken dreams, and empty pockets.
Why did I choose to come here for high school? I see our adolescence as an endless summer full of mysteriousness and infinite possibilities. How sad it is that so many of us rushed through it without taking a single glance of the view, running towards hope and death. We knew how to cherish time, but we did not know that time never passes away. What’s been passing away is actually ourselves! We were too busy, not even had a chance to talk, to love, to sing, or to cry. When we look back, it’s gone. I cannot let it happen.
The first couple of years went rough. With my broken English, I barely understood any conversation at the lunch table. Not much to say about understanding a foreign culture. I was like an animal locked up in a cage. During Covid, I got a chance to stay over at a friend’s house for a few months. That was the first time I immersed myself into a brand new culture. I discovered another way of living life. I understood what people meant when they yelled out “You only live once!” I broke the cage.
With the years I spent in America, the biggest thing I learned was who I really am. I was sitting on the top of Cheyenne Mountain the day I turned eighteen. I was alone, but not lonely. I knew everything in this world and all the stars in the sky are always by my side. There was no reason for me to feel lonely; no reason to waste my life away at the same old place; no reason to follow the crowd, since life only belongs to those who dare, those who are willing to risk.
Whose rules do I live by? My own.
[Chinese]
“花开堪折直须折，莫待无花空折枝。”
飞机起飞的前一刻，我屏住呼吸，因为我心里清楚这可能将是我离开家最久的一趟旅程。过去常听人们说出国留学会改变一个人的一生，那时的我对此将信将疑。
回到二零一八年，刚来到美国这片大地初出茅庐的我并不像其他人一样心怀梦想。我选择赴美留学的理由很简单——仅仅是不想让一颗金子被埋没在人海砌成的沙土中。人生苦短，为何不做一些大胆的尝试，换一种活法呢？
当人们问起我的过去，我通常半开玩笑地说，“我一辈子都被关在一座工厂里没日没夜地任人摆布，听讲台上的自高自大者们吹牛。就像他们说的，我左耳朵进右耳朵出也是一种本事。” 十年如一日，那一小口嵌在灰白色水泥墙上的窗曾给予了我一切幻想，我常常望得出神。那件被汗水淋透洗了又洗的校服是与我相处最久的伙伴。那条红领巾，他们说是国旗的一角，对我而言不过是天冷时擦抹鼻涕星的一块方巾罢了。“集体的荣誉就是一切！” 他们口腔中喷射出的火焰曾一度焚尽我仅存的精神家园，枯竭了我那颗原本渴望发现诗意的心。也许只有这样才能致敬前辈所谓的“螺丝钉精神”吧！
人们问我为什么选择高中来美国，因为我认为青春是一场神秘且充满无限可能的夏天。可惜多少青葱岁月的人儿匆匆地走过，嘻哈地逐过。我们知道珍惜时间，但我们错过了山清水秀，鸟唱猿啼，一路奔向希望与死亡。可时间是永恒的，逝去的只是我们自己。我们太忙，忙得来不及体会，来不及去爱，来不及歌唱，来不及哭泣，就这样匆忙地走过自己。但我绝不会让这一切发生。
来到美国最初的两年间我受挫不断，尤其是与人沟通方面。顶着一副亚洲面孔，说着一口烂英文，是人是鬼都懒得理我。每当夜深人静时，只剩下自己聆听那只心中困兽绝望的嘶吼。直到新冠发生，我受当地好友邀请借住在他家。原本打算歇歇脚的去处一呆就是三个多月。期间我更加深入了解了何为美国文化，同时解锁了一种新的生活方式。也许在未来的某一天，我在财富与社会地位上一无所获，但比起朝九晚五的人们，我的成就也许是一颗囊括宇宙豁达不羁的心。思考过后，我虽无法全然付诸行动，但思考的过程却留下了痕迹。回想时，会想到思考时的平静，它已经存在于我的现实生活中啦！如此，就可以从容，乃至真正平静地过好每一天了。
十八岁生日那天，我独自一人坐在夏延山山顶俯瞰整个世界。我知道世间万物，乃至宇宙中的每颗星时刻与我相伴。这时的我还有什么理由感到孤独，有什么理由浪费来人间走一遭的机会，又有什么理由默许世俗的条条框框限制自己的人生？
“红尘中，有独处之心；独处时，有红尘怀抱。”