It took two tries for Liz and me to watch this, according to Netflix. We don’t remember it; we definitely didn’t finish it. I don’t know why she wants to watch it; I’m just fascinated to see Klaus Kinski in a film not directed by Werner Herzog. The only other actor I recognize is Lyman Ward, one of those actors who just screams ’80s (you saw him as Ferris Bueller’s dad). The director, William Malone, is new to me. This was his first feature; most of his later work is in television.

CreatureI’d like to welcome our readers to yet another Alien rip-off. I’ll give this one odds against Dark Side of the Moon; to cover the spread it needs something better than Satanic Joe Turkel. Doesn’t sound like much but it’s a standard. In this film the planet is Titan and the MacGuffin is some kind of cylinder that apparently has bad stuff in it. In a wrinkle, there are two greedy mining companies instead of one. There’s also a character who’s either an android or the ultimate frosty female security officer.

The opening effects work rips off 2001 and then doubles down by ripping off Blade Runner’s soundtrack. Some of the foley sound is ripped off from Star Wars. Why a freighter landing sounds like an X-wing is anyone’s guess. After a few shots in space we’re on Titan and into what I assume is a cinematographer’s nightmare: dark shadows, flashing lights, ground fog, and indistinct corners. For all I know this was a shot in the basement of Pardee Hall with the lights out (now there’s a plot). This is such a cheat and it drives me nuts. Aliens, which came out a year later, managed dark shooting while still showing stuff on screen. LV-426 was a brooding, menacing locale. This just looks cheap.

Long stretches of boredom were finally interrupted by a crazed Klaus Kinski trying to sex up the android security officer, who then pointed a gun at him. It’s hard to take that scene seriously when you recall the stories of Werner Herzog pointing a gun at Kinski during the filming of Aguirre. Herzog’s never really denied that it happened. Kinski gives a decent performance as a German scientist (greedy company #2) that’s far, far better than the material. What the hell is he doing in this, three years removed from Fitzcarraldo?

This movie scored a 41 on the “End Scale.” This is when you pause a film in Netflix to see (a) how far you’re in and (b) how much more you have to endure. I checked 41 minutes in to Creature, and discovered we weren’t even halfway done. According to Liz this caused a pathetic whimper. I can’t deny it. Even Alien Predator scored somewhere in the low 50s. Oh the WORDS in this movie. It might be speech but it’s not communication.

There are too many characters for how little development they get. I can barely tell them all apart, and this isn’t helped by the ones who get offed earlier in the film coming back as zombie alien assassin familiars or some such. Hell if I know. About the only thing I can give the film credit for is making Lyman Ward’s corporate scumbag somewhat three-dimensional (when it all goes to hell he decides to just fight the alien instead of being craven).

Also the android character just disappeared. There’s this whole subplot with her requisitioning sedatives in the beginning of the film and it just goes nowhere. Even the characters in the film wonder where the hell she went. She finally appears at the end, explaining lamely that she “got lost.” And she’s not actually android. What the hell.

The film sort of redeems itself with a cheesy callback to The Thing From Another World. Sort of. Not really. Not at all actually. The end fight scene is ludicrous as you find out why you never see the creature. It’s really, really bad.

Run. As fast as you can.