Hey guys,

Here is my rough cut. I can’t show all of it in class because it’s 20 minutes so feel free to watch it before or after if you get a chance. Still working on color and sound but am looking for overall comments on scene, sequence, and overarching structures. Also, if you see something that stands out to you or doesn’t work for you, let me know!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF5PO1Ml4Ic

For all those who wanted to check out my rough cut here it is! Please hack away at it. I need your help. Thanks 🙂

Yesterday I had my best friend sit down and watch my rough cut. She was super honest and told me when she was dazing out and which parts were irrelevant. I ended up cutting 6 minutes off of my rough cut! I’ll be posting the updated version later today. I wanted to let you all know HAVE YOUR FRIENDS EDIT! I really trust her and know that the cuts she made were necessary.

@Nick: I think you did a great job choosing your lead actress, she seemed to fit the character you were intending to create very well. Even without seeing the cartoon characters, there were distinct serious moments and humor which was great — the animation will only make it better. As far as the line about the bad guy, you don’t necessarily need it because so much can be said through the facial expressions and silence of the male. Even though he drives the conflict, he is sort of a passive character and that’s perfectly fine.

@Hubert: In terms of the love interest in jail, I didn’t think it was forced at all. It makes sense that somebody stuck in a depressing/limited/probably boring situation finds interest in a young female lawyer because she is beautiful, powerful, and accomplished. There’s a feel of anticipation/uncertainty in the air in terms of the relationship which is perfect for a drama series. It’s also an entertaining scenario for Nii, like how much attention can he get from her?

After attending the screening for Hooligan Sparrow this past Monday, I left with a lot of ideas for documentary filmmaking (and honestly any filmmaking in general). I thought I would post some of the edits I noticed that might help or inspire anyone else. The film itself was great, shocking, and moving, and I really enjoyed getting to hear Nanfu discuss her own experience.

1. Using different cuts of daylight/space/landscape to show passing time
2. Her use of rewinding clips and more abstract shots to mimic disorientation/panic
3. The shots of nature/birds flying out of trees and nests — symbolic b-roll
4. Shots of Nanfu filming herself in a reflection or having someone else film her in a space – helped establish her as the main storyteller – showed the effect the events had on her personally
5. You don’t need a perfect shot to convey emotion – the scene where she’s running upstairs was barely in focus, you had no idea what was going on, but it was one of the more effective scenes – just because the emotion and the story itself was so strong (and the audio).

Here’s the start of my rough cut – would love feedback as to if the intro works.  Thanks!

Here is the link to my Outline 2.0

Here is my script in writing. I would love more feedback as I move forward with my project!

Dear Papa,
Most letters are sent, but this one I’ll keep. I’m finally back on College Hill starting my Senior year. Some of our family drove out to Metzgar Fields on Friday from Lafayette College, the same drive you’ve done a million times but never got sick of. It was the first home game for the men’s soccer team and your memorial was revealed. If you had it your own way I’m sure you would’ve never allowed this! But trust me it’s perfect. So beautiful, yet simple and humble which reflects you so well. It’s placed in the exact spot where you used to stand. So for every home game the guys now touch the top of the soccer ball before running on the field. It’s pretty cool to watch. I know you want to be in the locker room to give your “Dr. Oaks pre-game speech”, but rest assured that the guys feel your presence on the field. You are still making your mark.
Life at Lafayette is pretty much the same as always. Classes are in full swing, the quad is full of students, and the athletes are working hard. Most importantly our family is doing just fine. (pause) From the Lovemans in Chicago to the Widenhoefers in Sweden and everywhere in between, our family team is staying connected and close. You told everyone to be a part of a team, and of course gave a nickname to anyone you met. That’s why our designated family nickname “Team Oaksie” is so fitting. “Team Oaksie” is strong, but it’s hard sometimes without our captain. Nana is lonely, but she is as funny and gorgeous as ever. I know you worry, but we are taking care of her.
You always managed to be there for all of us. You were one of the busiest people I knew yet you made it to every special moment of your children and grandchildren both big and small. Every soccer game, play, and graduation. Even if you weren’t physically there, you were somehow present. I think I got my worrying from you. I’m always worrying about everyone. I feel like I need to be everywhere at once- to help Mom, Dad, Marin, and Billy. I want to be there for them.
I’ve been going to Oaks Stadium alone to clear my thoughts. I think that’s where I feel your presence the most. I’ve found a happy place among the quietness and vastness of the open fields. Sorry to steal your special spot, because I know it was your happy place too. But I was thinking we could share it! I went on a cloudy, cool Fall day once. With just the wind and the chime of the flags ringing against the pole, I found tranquility. I sat on the bleachers and within two minutes the sun peaked through the clouds. The faintest little rainbow formed. I knew that was you telling me everything’s going to be all right.
As a senior, I need you now more than ever. The weight of the unknown is a lot to carry. I’m trying to figure it all out. I’ve been running. Running from the reality of these daunting uncertainties. I need your direction and words of wisdom. I can almost hear your voice saying… “Go get ‘em” or “Be the best you can be”.
I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. I imagine your phone ringing and you searching everywhere for your cell, but picking up just in time. Saying, “Hi Carly Baby” in your sweet Papa voice. Losing your voice is one of the hardest parts. I miss you. (pause) We all do. (pause) I miss giving you Carly Hugs or CH’s as we used to call them. I miss singing Silent Night in Church onChristmas Eve. I miss walking next to you while you ran- holding your hand and congratulating you on running two miles even though it was more like two blocks. You had a never-letting-go grip. Man, you really held on tight.
I remember… (I haven’t picked a story I want to use yet- still brainstorming for one that works well here, but this is where I will include it)
If you read this, I know what you would say. (pause) I just need a reminder every once in awhile. I try to live everyday like you taught me to but it’s really hard. How did you do it? I’ll have to keep on going with what I’ve learned from you. I’ll try to stop running from my fears, and instead run towards my goals. After you passed away, our family found some relief in words. We found a poem that exemplifies you. It is called The Oak Tree Poem. It’s last stanza reads, “Now I’ve found with thanks to you / I’m stronger than I ever knew.”
So thank you and keep on shining through. This letter will be kept close to my heart. I’ll write again soon, but for now I’ve got to run.
Love your granddaughter,
Carly

 

Thanks!

Jonah Jonah epidsode 2 Episode 3 Jonah  Episode 4 Jonah

Attached is my completed rough draft of my screenplay “Buying Fate.” It will be changing quite a bit from now until the final product, so I would appreciate any feedback you guys have on this draft.

Also, if anybody has any more movies, TV shows, magazine articles, or books I should look at to help develop the 2091 world that would be sick. Thank you for the great feedback in class!!

Buying Fate Finished Draft

Hey guys,

So my structure is a little further along now and I exported my project in one file. I wanted to do this before fall break so I could reflect on what I had since I won’t be able to edit. I’m still fine tuning and playing around (especially with the food pantry bit) but would appreciate any feedback on the following:

• what cuts are the most powerful/informative?
• what shots are superfluous and can be cut/cut down?
• general comments on the beginning and ending (any suggestions for visuals in the blank space in the beginning?)
• things that you think are missing
• music suggestions are very very welcome

Thanks!