I just finished watching Boys Don’t Cry – it was so heavy and emotional I wanted to get it done today. I’m still kind of reeling about working through everything that happened in the film. I have to say, I don’t know if I’ve ever been more anxious for a character. This was probably the most anxiety-ridden film watching experience I’ve ever had.

You know the classic trope of horror movies, when the girl hears a noise coming from behind a door, and every gut instinct you have is screaming “GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, RUN!” but she only goes closer? And you just keep thinking “Oh God, something horrible is about to happen” and your stomach wrenches? That feeling was my whole experience of watching this movie. I was 99.9% sure a rape was coming at some point (given the context clues of our recent class discussions/readings), which I was definitely anxious about and worried for Brandon’s safety. And let’s be clear, the rape scene/flashback was horrendous and violent and really difficult to watch. But more than that, at least for me in terms of a long-term sense, was the constant fear of Brandon getting outed. I kept getting nervous that they would finally “find him out.”

If after watching Brandon grapple with his secret and navigate the world for the better part of two hours I was this emotionally distraught, what does that say about the experience of actual people who are transsexual? I think that this was entirely intentional through the set up of the movie, and was done really to highlight this constant fear, the constant displays/proving of gender, and the realities of the lives of transsexual people. The never-ending fear of being outed, the betrayals of their bodies (i.e., getting your period when you identify and are trying to pass as a male), the difficult process (practically and financially) of undergoing a sex-change operation, the stigma of mental illness or the disgust as other people react to them. I appreciate this film’s attempt to show the hardships of a transsexual individual.

I think this movie, because it involves transgender behavior and the main character is a transsexual, really complicates the notions of gender, rape, and representations in film. I’m excited to talk about the movie on Monday and hear what everyone thought!